Does Anyone ?

Do you listen , the laughter of the dreams?
The satires in their silent breaths,
The sarcasm in their smiles.

Do you see, their stare that asks me, how I dared ?
To expect,
To believe,
To depend.

Do you too, hear their questions?
What will it take me to learn?
Or, Am I just a fool?
What now?

And does anyone feel my heartbeats ?
That refuse to go to next.
That keep breaking the patterns.
That belong to none.

Or maybe it's too dark to observe anything.

AfterShocks !

It started with a bang!
Everything could have changed that night,
Everything, did change that night.

The days which followed saw craters and mounds,
Laughters and tears,
Promises and fears.

Dark clouds,
Which were given a fight.
Darker clouds,
Which engulfed.

There was a bang again!
This time, it's loud inside the heart.
Everything changed once more.
The days to come, will be picking up the ruins of the bang.

Second day of the rest of my life !!

Yes, Second. Because the first day I was too busy celebrating and breathing in my freedom !

Freedom, 

from being confused.

from being broken.

from being frustrated.

from being sad.

I have been into all of these whirl-winding emotions. I was confused, about almost everything. About myself, my relationships, other people, universe .. Everything. But only after being confused ,I learnt the art of clearing out and learning new things

I was broken and frustrated , but that helped me to heal and validate my decisions. What is life, after all, minus a tinge of self pity, anger and drama? But you raise above all this and soar.

I was sad. Sad of being judged, being rejected. But from there came the bravery to accept and change things .

And today, on the second day of the rest of my life; I am looking forward happily. Planning my minutes of ways to fill happiness, truth and peace in them. I know a beautiful journey is awaiting and I am going to travel this path, dancing !!

And then, I became more than what I expected,

I took that flight and became that flight ,

Irrespective of the colours of skies, I did not stop.

I just navigated myself in different directions.

I lost familiarities and found certainities,

I am going to fly around here, for a while now.

Never Date a girl who challenges you !

Date a girl who never challenges you. 

Find her in a crowded , dimly lit bar ; sitting on the corner table, glancing at you. Look back at her with your mesmerizing eyes. And the smart man that you are , ask the bartender about her drink and floor her by reaching out to her with two glasses of it and a beautiful ice breaking line. 

Look into her beautiful eyes. Drown in the shine of her skin. Compliment her for her beautiful dress and laugh inwardly. Strike conversations. 

Escort her out of that crowded place with your hand on her waist. Like a real gentleman. Go for a walk under the deep night sky. Hold hands and then make that moment precious by sealing it with a kiss under that lamp post, because thats how they show it in the movies. Acknowledge its insignificance too. Drive her back to her apartment , insist for a glass of water and leave after making love to her. Exchange phone numbers. 

Call her the next morning and the next night . Keep meeting her in bars, at movies. Let this acquaint evolve into an uncomfortable relationship. Try to Match your interests. Keep meeting her when the evenings get lonely. Let the months pass insignificantly. Have few meaningless conversations everyday. Do little thinking. Move in with her, or ask her to move in . Get into fights about inconsequential things like getting friendly with your colleague, or spending more time in your gym, or how a wet towel on the bed results in ruining the bed cover. Let an year pass un-noticed. 

Now its been many similar months and many similar years, so you should think about getting married, else she might find some one else. So , you book a table at the most expensive restaurant in the city. Ask her to dress up for a surprise. Tell the waiter to bring the ring hidden in the dessert and when she acknowledges it with a big surprise , or a tear , or a big smile , just smile back as if you had never been happier. 

Let more years pass, un-noticed. Do your job. Fuck her and make some babies. Try to teach them well. Go for holidays . Have a mid life crises. Grow old wondering at your lack of achievement. Feel content sometimes, but mostly vacant. Die , but only after you observe that the girl who did not challenge you,  never made your heart oscillate with any significant passion. That no one will write the story of your lives, that she will die too one day , with a medium tempered regret that there was always something missing. 

You must do all those things because a girl who is a challenger, sucks. She is ball of fire which will roll all over you and you will only be finding ways either to save yourself from the wrath  or accept her challenges. She will make you work. She would not accept discontent. While demanding from you she will take you to places inside of your own which you yourself had never seen. She will shake you and show you the heights and lengths and breadths of achievements. 

Never ever fall in love with such a girl , or let her love you , because if she fell in love with you , she will make sure all those parts of your alien world become accessible to you. She challenges you because she sees your worth. She has read your silenced dreams and wishes in the back of your stormy eyes, in the silence of your pretended laughter . She has seen your naked soul with her mind. Why would you want to risk being caught so weak?  She will push you to your limits and then will make you break them. You will be like a vulnerable child in her presence. she will make your life so goddamn difficult.

A girl who sees you eye to eye will make your life hell. She will give you tasks because she knows how every dream is built. Her strong conscious has taught her the importance of always being on the toes. She will be your worst friend , cause she will never let you stop. But every-time you forcibly achieve a long forgotten dream  of your life ; do observe that tiny tinge of mad happiness inside your heart. She will define new passions with you ; because while she challenges you , she is upping her game as well. 

You will be all weary , shredded by the end of your life with such a woman. You will not be the person that you started as. You might look back at the journey on your dying day and be overwhelmed with the Adrenalin rush gushing through your veins as each moment passes through your eyes. You will end as a much better version of you. 

But , would that be worth all this chaos ?

मुआवज़ा !

आज गुलज़ार की लिखी ये पंक्तियाँ पढ़ कर कुछ लिख पाने की कोशिश करना ही बहुत व्यर्थ सा लगा।

शायद कुछ दिन तक मेरी सोच में रहने वाली हैं ये पंक्तियाँ ।

"मुझको इतने-से काम पे रख लो।
जब भी सीने में झूलता लॉकेट
उल्टा हो जाये, तो मैं हाथों से
सीधा करता रहूँ उसको
जब भी आवेज़ा (कर्ण कुंडल) उलझे बालों में
मुस्करा के बस इतना-सा कह दो--
'आह, चुभता है यह, अलग कर दो.'
जब गरारे में पाँव फंस जाये,
या दुपट्टा किसी किवाड़ से अटके,
इक नज़र देख लो तो काफी है।
'प्लीज़' कह दो तो अच्छा है,
लेकिन मुस्कराने की शर्त पक्की है।
मुस्कराहट मुआवजा है मेरा।
मुझको इतने-से काम पे रख लो। " (गुलजार)

A toast to the confusions !

Make no apologies to admit your Confusions !

when indecisiveness knocks on your door , answer it . Let it in. When heartbreak makes it impossible to breathe, try breathing deeper. Soak it in. 

Can you really ignore these feelings forever? Can you actually run away always ? Can you keep that door locked incessantly? 

So, invite that fear in for a drink or two,  and crib , cry , pilfer. Have a chat with it eye to eye. Give it your attention, hear it out. There is no sense in running away from it, Because else, it will keep hiding and re-appear when it would be least expected. These confusions will find you !

But then, after a time ,  get done with it. Quickly . And then, ask it to LEAVE ! Don't make it your best friend , don't wallow in it. 

Deal - and then move on ! Take notes from your conversation ; take lessons from the chit chat and apply them.Such encounters in life are valuable teachers. You grow and forge new beginnings from these experiences. 

Set it free, and then you will be free. 

How to destroy a tree !

You fell for that smile, din't you ?
You fell for the effervescence , that sense of humor.
Like million others, who are falling in love with her everyday.

You took her hand, and showed her the stars.
You heard her dreams and shared your secrets. 
You said all the right words, and brought her flowers.
And she , in spite of her guards, let you in.

Her happiness rubbed off on you,
And every minute of your life changed.
There came stories and plans and love notes,
Every moment of your life seemed beautifully arranged. 

She believed it, finally !
She trusted everything , that was happening. 
Her dreams were not just hers alone anymore,
It was love , again !, and the feeling was maddening.

Then that one fine evening, you changed your mind.

So, you plant a tree , water it , tend to it.
Love it tenderly , and make it depend on you.
and trust you well.
Watch its leaves grow and flowers bloom.

And then , you leave it to wither and die alone,
on one silent night.

The leap day wisdom !

"When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad. " - Abraham Lincoln


I started my day with reading this. This,  which put me to some real thinking. How simple and yet such true a confession it is.. Isn't it the simple things in life that have the power to make us really really happy?

We are a naive bunch of people. We are sciolists , pretenders , liars. We love complicating things and then blaming it upon everyone else but us. We read books, blogs, articles, seek help , meet the specialized in the field of happiness ( psychologists, counselors etc n all ! ) . some try to find it in religion, others in spirituality but the only place we don't look is - WITHIN !

" When you do good, you feel good; when you do bad; you feel bad " . Its as simple as that. 

Let your conscious talk. Let your actions put a smile on your face. Don't deprive yourself of people who bring buckets full of laughter your way and then ,Reciprocate ! 

And , my friend, once you find that little butterfly , acknowledge it , welcome it and give it space to fly around you and bring many more smiles your way. 

Its simple to be happy ; all we gotta do is,  just work on being Simple. 

My Ultimate To Do List.

I have known Control, and then having none of it. I have known freedom and have understood the responsibilities which come along with being free. I have felt connections, and then the lack of it. 

Amazingly, I have experienced all of the above in a span of very short time lately. Few Months. 

When they say your MIND plays games , they are right. Our mind is a smart ass. That friend who hangs out with you all the time and makes sure to keep your life worked up ( Yes, he is that tricky one ! ). And yet we let him have a ball , at our expense. 

We create a reality with every thought, in each moment, Most of the times we do it unconsciously.
And the beauty is , by putting in efforts and being present into it, we can change it. But the challenge is to silence our  " that friend ", our minds. This friend can be conquered by controlling our thoughts. Lets not let him feed on us and fire us too. 

So, the deal is to become the gatekeeper of our own minds and NOT let our mind control us. 

And , therefore , my perfect things to do - 

 1. Get a grip !!
2. Go, let loose !!!


On it , Amigos !

बस यूँहीं !

ज़िन्दगी जब मायूस होती है ,
ज़िन्दगी तब महसूस होती है।

कई दिन हुए सवेरा हुआ था ,
बोहोत रात बीती अब बिना चाँद के,
आँखों की नींद अब जाने कहाँ  सोती है।
ज़िन्दगी जब मायूस होती है ,  तब महसूस होती है।

जहाँ जाके हँसते हम थकते नहीं थे,
वो मंज़र सभी आज हँसते है मुझपे ,
उन रास्तो पर भी चलने की हिम्मत  अब कहाँ होती है।
ज़िन्दगी जब मायूस होती है , शायद  तब ही महसूस होती है।

हैरान हूँ ये देख कर , की सांस अभी तक रुकी नहीं है ,
दिल धड़कता है , और आँखों की नमी अब तक बनी हुई है ,
शायद तेरे दिन में अब भी कभी मेरी कमी होती है।

ज़िन्दगी जब मायूस होती है ,
ज़िन्दगी तब थोड़ी और ज़्यादा  महसूस होती है।

Going back to the start !

Sometimes, things are not as complicated as we make them,

All you need is to STOP. 

While on a conversation over phone today, it struck me, how much my soul is craving for emptiness . How badly I want to be in the space which has nothing. Away from the neglects, dilemma and drama, that vast extensiveness which can contain me. I want to feel the stillness, experience it like the clouds descending on the silent ocean. The calmness which is not badgered by nagging and need. 

I want to land in this space everyday, after the long day. Isn't this what we keep running in circles for ? Isn't it this feeling of being empty that brings us back to life?

This space is the reminder of the vastness of our spirits and the depths of our souls. 

I will have to STOP. All we have to do is Stop. 

Its time , to Re-connect !!

I will always strive for Complete !

I am terrified of Passive acquiescence . I live on Intensity.

 “ As if you were on fire from within.

The moon lives in the lining of your skin.”

― Pablo Neruda

I have known that fire . I still know .

I haven’t been much of a below-the-surface breather. I don’t even know how to swim . But I know how to float ; how to surrender . How to make it my Savior. Because that’s how it will always occur to me.

I don’t know halves , or one-fourths , or anything less than full .

The moon shines the brightest on the nights it agrees to co-operate . The darkest of the nights have shone the brightest of the moons.

I have struggled hard to express this feeling in words !!!

This feeling, of people not being there. Or being there in halves and one-fourths , less than full.

These eyes need to see the passion of your soul , those waves fear the strength of your commitment. You can ride them now and reach somewhere but that won’t be “it” .

Why do we starve ourselves of being whole ?  Being there and still struggle for the conversations and connections we have been looking for through out the life ?Why do we let the beauty of being, escape through our hands just because of a momentarily indecisiveness ?

Go Crazy , Go mad . Know .  Feel . Create . and , for god’s sake , LIVE ! Passionately !

Make her life a dream , kiss your cat every hour , Paint out of the canvas , Dance till the music stops and till a little later.

Because a straight line , is a dead man’s heart beat !

The strength of being weak !

I feel special, honored,  every time other people are able to share their vulnerability with me. I get a sense of privilege whenever I am able to lend a listening ear to someone in self doubt and a confusion. What is more beautiful and satisfying than  to give someone a feeling of being understood? 

But when it comes to be vulnerable back , when I feel scared, weak , sad and alone ; why do I hide it with shame ? 


" Being Vulnerable is the most courageous that you can be. " 

 I am courageous. I have fought many of my battles alone and still fighting many; then why does my vulnerability does not let itself out? Such a double edged knife?

Yesterday, I was having my moment of panic. The moment when I wanted to scream , shout about my fear and loss. The sort of feeling of your heart being clenched and the only outlet of all of this was through my eyes. My Tears. The head kept re-iterating , I want to do this alone. Am I just too egoistic about handling keeping my own shit together ?

And then I kept sitting, crying , with those childlike sputters , weaving  everything like a web in my own head. 

I have been too strong may be, too strong to even hear my own voice. But I don't want to be, anymore. I want my words to flow and I want all that is built in my chest, out. I want to be vulnerable, to tell I am scared , sad, angry , insecure. I wish to let it out.

May be this is something easy to give, but hard to receive 

So, Dear Universe , I am ready. Ready to trust you to see me apart, in pieces , as a HUMAN BEING. As a troubled child of yours who needs your listening ear. I am ready to find the strength in my weakness.

The once happy spot...

I am gazing into the black dot. Its this circular little thing which keeps changing its size. 

I am trying to figure out what its made of. Do I know it? Yes , I do. 

Mostly I find myself trying to define its color - The Black. Is this the color of shattered dreams, promises ,heart breaks , disappointments and betrayal mixed with a little hope and faith that still remains? Or has it come from the dark sleepless nights , spent  wishing against the wishes of the universe? But it sure has emotions, many emotions , because the dark black dot has got a strong pull. 

I think this black dot was  once a happy spot. A happy smiling space which once accommodated life. You know the kind of place which radiates energy and vibes and love. Something like that. May be every dark dot was once a happy spot which could not survive the long dark night. Is it possible that someone's black dot is someone else's happy spot ?

I am still gazing into the black dot. And I wish there are no more black dots in this horizon. And I wish to change the color of this black dot. And I wish to make it , once again, the happy spot  that it was. 

Maybe I should go plant a tree instead? 

The bridge to the other side.

They say , this too shall pass. And it does !

Unfortunately, its true for both happy and the sad times.

Have you ever woken up feeling inadequate and its hard for you to get yourself to move and face the day ? Feeling, even moving your hand will break you into multiple pieces ? That kind of a day when you feel  your each and every heart beat in your whole body. You look into the mirror and see someone - Not enough , not attractive , not capable, not worthy, not deserving, not lovable. In short , a bubble in your head that reads - inept. The world keeps telling you otherwise though. 

Its happening to me. And i find myself debating  about every possible depressing reason , the state of affairs in the country, shallow people. I spend hours expressing despair about the things that have transpired, circumstances. None of them being the real reason that's bothering me.

A writer once said - " Days like these should happen to you" . The other one compared the highs and lows to our lifeline. 

If I attach my pain to these philosophies, I am only waiting for that one day when I would get my wings , will bloom like a butterfly and fly away. But then that's not my reality . And I am even more mad at myself , the version of me that I am becoming. 

How wrong is it to feel things, to really do ? To live everything to the fullest , participate with all your being? To have dreams? May be its all just over rated. 

This feeling of being inept, feels like a rock bottom, so I ask why to fight it? What can I control? May be that's the way its going to be for me. Not everyone gets wings and turn into a butterfly after all. And , here is the difficult part, I don't know how to deal with this rolling ball of self doubt and restlessness. 

So, Here's me . who will sleep one more time tonight , waiting for a morning miracle, hoping to cross that bridge to the other side and see the sunshine again. 

Let's be best friends !

Hello ! 

You, yes you!

You are the closest to me. I should know you, understand you better than anyone else in this world. And so should you, I guess. We have so much in common. The colours we like, the food we hate. And I am as emotional as you are. We make fun of the same things inside our minds and we cheer to the same brand of vodka.  I remember how much you wanted to slap that idiot that day, I too wanted you to. I wanted to push you that time when you wanted to go for that job offer , but you chose to listen to everyone else instead. I am proud of that one time when I could help you in making that  decision to follow your heart and go for your happiness. 

What happened to us ? It's been long we have met, talked, shared. 

Dear You, the one I see everyday in the mirror. Whose happiness, sadness, dreams, fears I live every moment in my heartbeat.

I miss you! 

Let's be best friends ! Again ! 

Count on Me like 1.2.3 !!!

Girlfriend !!!

Carrie Bradshaw nailed it by saying - " May be our girlfriends are our soulmates and boys are just people to have fun with." 

The wierdos who see us at our highest high and lowest lows and still love you just the same. The pillows to rest our heads, to hug  and sleep on , the madsters who don't let you do crazy sh*t alone. The sisters who lend you the listening ear when you got to rant about a bossy boss , a heartbreak , a messy secret; they soak it all in . and you will NEVER , EVER be judged. 

This is for you my girlfriend. You are my intoxicant , my alcohol to drown my inhibitions. the best story teller I have known and my gossip partner. Its not just our madness , but our souls that fit perfectly within each other . 

Girlfriends are the souls to our lives. The people you always come home to. 

You are my precious and I. Am. Always. There. For. You. !!

I Love you !